Working on it

Assalamualaikum.

Since lately I've been feeling extremely lost with who i am and what am i supposed to do with my life I've decided to join the Usrah Santai (US) team by doing and fill up my times with wholesome activities and make more good deeds. Hurm. I never saw it coming. this way. I mean, get involved with this kind of group and peoples. But hey, it's not about being alim or whatever you called it, but it's all about keep reminding to my own-self that we are living as a khalifah of Allah. 

And for me, each and every person need to keep reminded and informed that we are Muslim & Muslimat and we live to worship to Allah. It's a normal thing to be reminded. Every one supposed to be reminded everyday. Because we are sometimes will get lost in our own world. Bak kata orang buat benda-benda yang lagha sampai leka. So, when we are reminding ourselves everyday, each and every time, we will insya Allah will get back to the right track and focus on it. It's normal thing to get lost because syaitan is everywhere dude. They will always seduce you to do sins. Even a tiny little sin.

But Masya Allah..
My conjecture is extremely big while I decided to go this way. Of course I won't deny it when you're trying to do a good deed or even try to have a good thinking, the Syaitan will always whisper to you so that you'll always have a negative thought and do the opposite of a good one; bad stuff. What is my conjecture by getting involve with this community?

My friends.
and my close friends.

Their Their responds are not helping me at all.
Their responds are letting me down.
Their responds makes me thinking to cancel my intention to continuously get involved with this kind of team.
They are like 

"ooo, geng usrah rupanya.. kah3"
"weh jom lah lepak jumaat malam ni. Ke kau busy dengan team2 usrah kau? HAHAHAHAH! kau kan skrg ada geng baru gitu.."
Others, remain silence.
........


Sometimes I feel alone. I don't expect anyone to understand me and my feelings but, can't they at least trying to respect myself? The stuff I wanna do. At least please don't laugh at the stuff I wanna do. Is that even funny? I don't find it funny at all. Me joining Usrah's activities, and you find it funny. Oh cool bro. cool. Yes I know I am a very bad person, used to laugh out loud, used to say and talk bad words. But, did you all my friends really think I'm gonna stay like this till I die? Seriously? Oh man. I have self-awareness. I actually don't even care what you guys wanna thought what kind of person I am, because after all the laugh you all gave me, I seriously go passed and don't give a single care. Because the one who's struggling to be a nice woman and muslimah is me. Yourself are not contributing any one of my good deeds later. But one think, I still felt disappointed by some of you who used to laugh to me for this thing. So disappointed.

I am lucky my future-husband (insya Allah) is very supporting. He even knows me inside and out and still see the good potential in me. Allahu, Alhamdulillah. I really hope my heart will be istiqomah in having a passion and desire to keep close to You. Searching for your light, blessing and love isn't hard, but having Syaitan and negative bugs in my environment is really disturbing and I'm so afraid my Iman isn't tough as I wanna it to be, which of course can influence my heart from being Istiqomah :(

Thank you for those who laugh.
Thank you for those yang memperlekeh-lekehkan fafa.
Thank you for those yang makes me down.
Your act strengthen me.
:)


Till then,
Adios.